Head and Heart
by SepticLovebite
Summary: She'd woken up feeling like she wanted to vomit. Well, that wasn't strictly true. She woke up feeling perfectly fine. SWIFT RETREATS ARC.


Author's Note: A Heavy Cross will be updated on the weekend. I need a little break from it. HAVE SOME FLUFF/ANGST! Thank you for reading my crap.

TWDTWDTWD

She'd woken up feeling like she wanted to vomit. Well, that wasn't strictly true. She woke up feeling perfectly fine. The sun shone through the window and she felt like for the first time all winter that it wouldn't be too cold to get up. Daryl was clinging to her as usual. This time she'd woken up with him virtually atop her, his face buried in her neck, his knees trapping her legs between his and one of his hands curled around her thigh. It seemed like since they'd finally got down to doing more than just sleeping in their bed, they wanted to go at it all the time. It was exhausting. In the end, she had to refuse him, just so they could get some rest.

It was a wonderful feeling, being desired. And although Daryl was a man of few words, his actions spoke louder. Even though she laughed at him for behaving like a teenage boy, she loved that he constantly put his hands on her. They only had to be alone in a room for a second before his hands crept up her shirt or his tongue probed her willing mouth. It wasn't always sexual. They could be at the busy dinner table and he would run a hand over her shoulders as he passed her or perhaps sit so close his thigh touched hers. He was relentless in his pursuit of her and for the first time in a long time, Carol felt attractive.

Finding time alone was getting easier. She was pretty sure that Daryl had spoken to Rick about Carl's inability to knock on doors before he entered, because he always did so now and he'd stopped coming in so early in the morning. Daryl denied all knowledge when she asked, but she knew. Beth, however, didn't require any sort of chat, but she'd learnt the hard way about knocking. Carol was pretty sure that having the young girl burst in on her performing possibly the most intimate act on Daryl was the most embarrassing experience of all their lives. Carol certainly never forgot to flip the lock again, that was for certain. And neither Beth or Daryl could look the other in the eye, weeks later.

No, when she woke up, she felt fine. It took three minutes before she felt the wave of nausea approaching. When she realised that it was travelling up, she pushed Daryl off her and darted to the ensuite, heaving into the toilet bowl. It took less than three seconds for him to be up with her, following her into bathroom.

He put his hand to the back of her head, rubbing the curls that had started growing there. He sunk to his knees beside her and she half-heartedly pushed him away as she flushed the toilet.

"You okay?" He murmured.

"It's fine. Get out." She groaned, scrabbling to get off from the cold tiles.

"Don't be stupid." He flipped the toilet seat down and guided her to sit down, handing her a towel and running the tap. "Feel better?"

She nodded. "It just...I don't know why. I felt fine before."

Daryl handed her a glass of water and she took a sip gratefully, attempting to remove the awful taste in her mouth. As quick as the feeling had come, it had disappeared and now she felt fine.

"Go lay down."

"I'm fine. I need to brush my teeth and get dressed. I promised Carl I'd make him breakfast." She brushed his hand from her shoulder to get to the sink, ignoring his incredulous look.

"You just hocked ya guts up and you're gonna make the brat breakfast?" She didn't answer, as he asked while the brush was in her mouth. He just shook his head and headed into the bedroom to get changed, leaving her to it.

TWDTWDTWD

There was no other signs of sickness for a few days and then it came back again, waking her suddenly and sending her careening into the bathroom. Carol put it down to a food that didn't agree with her but no-one else seemed to have any trouble. Then she came down help Lori during dinner one day and the smell of the rabbit cooking hit her like a ton of bricks. The most repulsive smell she could imagine. It smelt like rotting flesh on flames and she had to choke back the desire to vomit. She shuddered to a stop outside the kitchen, turning on her heel to the main door to the lodge. Forgetting about shoes or a coat, she flung the door open, taking in big gulps of fresh air as she clutched at the railings of the porch.

It took several minutes to calm herself down, to force herself to relax. She rubbed her arms, feeling the cold. The snow had started to melt some, or at least not get any deeper, but it was still bitterly cold outside. As she slid her hands up and down her upper arms, she stopped sharply, a horrifying thought coming to her mind.

She ran her hand over her left arm again, feeling for the tiny tube that she had had inserted by her doctor some time ago. It was hardly noticeable, a method of contraception she had been using for many years since the birth of Sophia. She knew that she never wanted another child with Ed and although he was adamant that he would not allow contraception to be used, she had secretly used it anyway. It only worked for three years at a time and she couldn't for the life of her remember when she last had it changed. The thought was horrifying.

Could she be pregnant? She hadn't been using protection with Daryl. He had asked about it, after that first night in the log cabin for his birthday. She told him she had it covered. There was always a small chance of falling pregnant with any contraception, she knew that, but she was forty for Christ sake, surely the odds were overwhelming. Stacking those two up against the fact that she hadn't had a regular period since the whole world went to pieces meant that it would be pretty damn unlucky if she did fall pregnant. And it would be unlucky. She had decided a long time ago that Sophia would be her only child.

"Hey. What's wrong?" Lori stood in the doorway, shivering from the cold. Her bump protruded from her sweater and Carol felt the nausea return, just from looking at her. She rubbed her hands across her eyes and came back in.

"I'm okay. I think maybe I do have stomach flu or something." She shut the door and pulled her damp socks from her feet. "I'm going to go for a nap." She glanced at the pregnant woman and she could tell that Lori suspected as much as she did. A woman knows. And that was even more terrifying. She wanted to collapse into Lori's arms and whimper, but she knew that she couldn't do that to the poor woman and she knew that it wouldn't be fair to tell her before she told _him_.

She didn't wait for Lori to reply before heading up the stairs. She walked to their room, looking from the window to check that Daryl was still outside. In the fading light, she could see him with T-Dog and Hershel, standing in the doors of the open shed, tools in hand. She rushed to the communal bathroom down the hall, heading for the cupboard where they kept all the extra toiletries. She rifled through the boxes and bags quickly, finally finding the one she wanted tucked away in the back. There were four pregnancy tests in there, less than what she had stocked when she brought them to the lodge some months ago. She wondered how many Maggie and Glenn had used. She tucked one into the waistband of her jeans before heading back to the bedroom.

She read the back of the box, reminding herself of the instructions. She remembered stocking up on these in bulk when she tried for Sophia. Her hands trembled as she tried to unwrap the shrink wrap and she attempted to keep the tears from falling, but failed miserably. It would be wrong to do this without him. She was pretty sure that he would be just as horrified as she. But she couldn't hide this from him.

She tucked the box under her pillow and slumped onto the bed, clutching her stomach as if it would untangle the knots that were forming. She let the tears roll onto the pillow and wondered how on earth she would solve this mess if it happened.

TWDTWDTWD

Carol being sick bothered him more than he let on. There was no explanation for it and that's what worried him. They didn't have doctors to take her to if it were more serious than she would admit. He tried not to show her, so as not to create a panic that might be completely unwarranted. But his mind seemed to wander, thinking up horrific things that could happen and he realised that if the worst _did _happen, it would end him too.

He'd spent the afternoon outside with most of the men, freezing their nuts off trying to fix up a generator. It still didn't work. When they came in, Lori and Beth were serving up dinner and he was surprised to not see Carol there. She enjoyed being in front of the stove and always took charge of their main meal.

"She's feeling unwell again." Lori answered his unspoken question and he nodded his thanks to her before heading up the stairs. He pushed the bedroom door open quietly and she lay on the bed with her back to him, tucked under the quilt. She turned over when she heard him enter and rubbed her eyes. She had been crying.

"You b'in sick again?" He asked, sliding himself next to her, his arms wrapping around her middle.

She sniffed and shook her head. "No. Just felt nauseous." She turned herself over the face him, burying herself into his shirt front. "I need to tell you something and you're probably going to get upset."

He felt himself stiffen around her instinctively, loosening his grip. "What?"

She stuck her hand under her pillow, rooting around for something and she tapped the box against his chest. He took it from her and stared at it for a moment, not really registering what it actually was.

"I haven't used it yet." She mumbled, seemingly unable to look at him.

"I thought...I mean, ya said you had that under control. That thing...in your arm." He couldn't help but pull away from her. She could be pregnant. With his baby. He'd never thought about having a child before. It was just something he assumed would never happen. But Carol, she was different. But so was this world. They all worried about what would happen when Lori's baby was born. A baby would probably be the fastest way to get killed. Two of them would be really pushing their luck.

"It's there...but there's always a chance. And I'm beating my brain out here, trying to figure out when it stops working. I can't think. I'm so sorry." Carol let out a stifled sob. "I mean, how can this happen? I'm forty! I hardly ever even get periods anymore!"

"Shit." He mumbled. He sat up, running his hands through his hair. He took a moment to close his eyes and contemplate their future. It didn't long to think about it. Whatever happened, happened and he would protect her and their baby at all costs. Whatever it took. "We'll cope. It'll be fine, I swear it." He told her.

She shook her head sadly. "I don't want a baby, Daryl. I can't."

"We'll make it. Whatever happens." He said through gritted teeth. He would not let them think in any other way.

"No. I _can't. _Remember, how I told you how it took so long have Sophia?" Daryl nodded and she took a deep breath. "I nearly died having her. Nearly died trying to have the ones before her. It wouldn't be a healthy pregnancy. Chances are, I-I wouldn't carry to term at all. I'm older now. Even healthy women struggle at forty. Hershel wouldn't know about how to deal with this." She answered sadly. She wiped her silent tears with the back of her hand. "And that's not factoring in the hell we're living in."

He snapped his gaze to her, eyes narrowed. "I ain't gonna let no Geeks get you, I promise." He shuffled beside her, taking her hand in his. Her skin was always so cold. "We're doin' alotta speculatin' here. Take the test." He pushed the box over to her and she picked it up as if it would burn her. "Do it."

She nodded and he watched her as she headed into the bathroom. It seemed to take forever and he sat on the bed, chewing the skin around his fingernails. She came out clutching the white plastic stick. It looked like a thermometer to him. She set it down gingerly on the chest of drawers before sitting next to him, taking his hand.

"It takes five minutes." She explained.

It was the longest five minutes of his life. They didn't say a word to each other. She clutched his hand with both of hers for a moment, before drawing herself up onto the bed and he pulled her close, chin resting atop her head. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if it could be a good thing. If Carol was well enough to carry of course. He always assumed he would be a shitty father, on account of his own upbringing. But maybe he could do it right. She would be there to guide him. If she was pregnant, he would travel the length and breadth of the country to find a doctor. He would.

"Time's up." He told her, although it had probably been closer to fifteen minutes. She didn't move, her hands clutching his shirt tighter. He took her hands in his own, forcing them gently open so he could lean forward to reach for the stick. He looked at it but he quickly realised he had no clue what he was looking for. "I don't what that means." He showed her the stick but she had her face pressed into him, eyes screwed up tight.

"One line means negative, two means I'm pregnant." She told him, voice muffled by his shirt. She felt him exhale, his hand gripping her tighter.

"One line." He breathed. And with those two words, she felt like she could fly. There was no baby.

He felt the worry slip away from her on hearing his words. He didn't think it would devastate him so much. If she would get sick, having the baby would be the worst thing to happen. But for a brief moment, Daryl thought having a baby would be perfect. Having a baby with her would be perfect. His head knew that this was the best thing that could happen. His heart told him otherwise. His heart felt like his baby had died before it had a chance to live.

Carol let out a strangled sob and he knew that her heart felt the same way too.

TWDTWDTWD

They didn't go down to dinner that night. Daryl locked the bedroom door and ignored the gentle knocking before everyone headed to bed.

Eventually, Carol unfurled herself from Daryl long enough to peel her clothes off, crawling into bed without bothering with pajamas. He dimmed the lights before following her lead. She clung to him so tight it frightened him. He was the one who was forever following her around, instigating their contact. Never her.

"You would be a wonderful father." She murmured to him, just as he thought she had fallen asleep.

"You _are_ an amazing mother." He told her, running his hand over her middle, to rest on her ribcage. She took a ragged breath and he pressed a kiss to her temple. "Just 'cos she ain't here no more, don't stop you bein' a mother. And just cos those kids out there ain't kin, don't stop them bein' your kids too."

He lifted his hand to her face wiping the tears from her cheeks. She said nothing, simply squeezing his hand tighter to her.

TWDTWDTWD

Author's Note: It just felt right to end it here.


End file.
